Through the Looking Glass

          A lot of us within the Pagan community seem to harbor resentment towards Christianity. Rare is the Pagan who has reclaimed the Christian language and made peace with a religion that, for many, is the religion of their childhoods. I’ve often wondered why this is. Many people will tell you (and truthfully, for them) that it is a matter of persecution (which is sometimes the case). Even in cases where a person is not being persecuted, there still remains some distaste for the magical symbols and terms associated with or appropriated by Christianity. For example, very few of us would be comfortable invoking Christ. Why is this?

The second most common answer would be hypocrisy. It is an answer given by those of us who pride ourselves on some level of tolerance (“It’s just the hypocrites I can’t stand”). This is the point at which we usually begin to separate the Christians we know into two camps: The Good Christians (rare, but everyone usually knows at least one) and The Bad Christians (who are, let’s face it, every one else). What qualifies a person as being in one camp or another seems to be by how true they are to (the Pagan) person’s perception of Christianity. Are they loving? Are they giving? Are they forgiving, tolerant, kind, etc? Do they follow the teachings of Christ?

If the Pagan community were a singular entity (and Christianity were as well), I would tell Paganism that we do not dislike something in others without first seeing it in ourselves. While we are so busy judging other people by OUR idea of their life path, we rarely stop to consider how other people are judging us by their view of ours. If we are not to be judged by the pop culture satanic cardboard cutout, then we will be judged by another stereotype. Given our roots and our writings, it would seem to some that we should more closely resemble the hippie movement from which our culture sprang.  

We claim to worship the Earth, to revere nature, to have spirit animals, to follow in the footsteps of indigenous peoples and first nations everywhere who still dance to the rhythm of the sun and earth. We toss about their terms and mysteries like name-droppers at a party in Hollywood, eager to impress each other with our esoteric knowledge. And yet, we do know how any of this works? Do we actually practice and work with it? Not really. Remember that scene in Avatar when Neytiri says to Jake, “Sky People cannot learn, you do not See”? Do you remember the difference between who Jake was at the beginning of the movie, and then who he was at the end? Which Jake do you more closely resemble?

How often do we sit outside, only to be glued to our devices? How many times have you walked from one place to another staring at your cellphone? Do you hide from thunder and shun “bad” weather? When was the last time you felt dirt between your toes? When did you last feel the rain on your face? Have you ever sat with an insect that you didn’t kill, and marveled at its beauty? Have you ever grown your own food? Are you comfortable with nature?

My point is, while we are busy judging Christians as good or bad, someone is judging us. And if I have seen all of this on the inside, what must people be thinking from the outside? What do all those whose cultural icons and symbols we have appropriated think of us? How hypocritical do we look? Are we being "bad" Pagans?

This brings me to two very important points: One: stop judging. The next time you see a “bad Christian” ask yourself if you are being a “bad Pagan.” Then lovingly forgive both of you (and mean it). We each have our own tasks and paths, and only the divine can truly see where we are. Two:  It’s your religion. When you stumble through life attached to your cellphone, you’re the one who misses the intimate and powerful relationship with nature that is rightfully yours. You are the one who is tuning out magic and disconnecting yourself from the web of life. You chose this path, is today the day you will get up and walk it?

Three Little Birds

Photo by BrandyCorc at SXC

My morning meditation this morning happened to be about birds. I'm reading Eckhart Tolle's A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life's Purpose. In his introduction he speaks of birds, flowers, and crystals as all being the enlightened form of their kind. He also says that contemplating one of those in your meditation allows you to connect with the formless.

Intellectually, I thought about birds. I considered their attitudes, their habits, their bodies, and the manifestations of their lives. Birds never worry. They live in a world of changing weather patterns and must migrate hundreds and sometimes thousands of miles to have sustainable habitation. There are other birds, cats, humans, and other groups waiting to eat, trap, kill, or otherwise harm birds. They must build their own homes, raise their own young, get their own food, etc. At any point they may be left to do this on their own when their partner is killed. They have no support groups, no life insurance policies, no bank account, none of the things that many of us often consider necessary to our survival. They must survive hurricanes, thunder storms, droughts, and forest fires. I realized I would not say a bird's life is at all easy, and might quite possibly be harder than mine. And yet, none of the birds surrounding me showed signs of stress. They were flitting around, signing, eating, and courting. They are all beautiful in their own ways - and even the "plain" ones among them are possessed of the same grace and beauty as the most brightly coloured. Even those that might seem unattractive to a human eye still carry a certain presence. Many of them spend most of their time singing or flying. While flying, they often relax into air currents, simply letting the wind take them where they need to go.

And then, there are hummingbirds. These absolutely tiny (the ones in my yard are smaller than my thumb, and I have small hands) creatures are miracles. No one has ever told them that they violate the laws of physics, and so they create their own reality of what is possible. And as I contemplated the hummingbird sitting on the branch above my head - I experienced something that words can barely describe. I remember my only coherent thought being "It's so bright, why is everything so bright?" I was aware of my heart chakra being open. I was aware of things growing incredibly light around the hummingbird. There was only that one stray thought, and all the rest was silence as I watched this little miracle glow. Tears streamed down my face and I was filled with the infinite.

I left my meditation hearing one of my favourite feel good songs in my head:

Singin' sweet songs
Of melodies pure and true,
Sayin', "This is my message to you-ou-ou:"
Singin': "Don't worry 'bout a thing,
'Cause every little thing gonna be all right."

And for the first time, I think I heard what Marley did when he wrote that song. The birds are singing that outside my door too.

You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

(and yes, I hope you just heard Mandy Patinkin's voice).

A lot of people I know tend to use the word "alone." Specifically, other people have a tendency to perceive me as being alone. And while that is strictly true in the no romantic partner sense - that is pretty much the only way it is true. In fact, alone is a word that, as I tell my niece, is a made up idea. There is no such thing as alone - not really. I understand that a lot of people spend enormous amounts of time and energy longing for and searching for someone, often anyone. I know - I used to do that too. Right up until I tried to commit suicide of over it. My desire for someone led me to a relationship that I allowed to destroy my life. I've written other posts about this experience for me before - because it is one of two pivotal experiences that make me who I am. When I woke up from the miasma of suffering I had created for myself - it was through creation, inspiration, and following my passion. I understood then that I could no longer live my life with my happiness pinned upon any person other than myself.

My journey since then has been centered around exploring my purpose in this world and my connection to my higher self. Although others may perceive the large amounts of time I spend with no physical contact as alone, I am anything but. My cosmic view involves knowing intellectually that I am connected  genetically, chemically, and ultimately energetically to the entire cosmos (including ever parallel world of the multiverse). I know that all times may possibly exist in the room with me - that on other dimensions and energetic frequencies, other beings exist in the same space as I. My cosmic view also involves knowing experientially and profoundly that I am connected to all of creation in very awesome ways. Each moment I spend in creation, in meditation, in zen mode is another moment I spend connecting with my divine self and the sum total of creation. I have spent moments crying in bliss and awe at the amazing sensations of feeling the connection that I know to be there intellectually. I am surrounded by loving people, animals, plants, the planet, our star, dark matter... I am infinitely connected and fundamentally a part of the cosmic whole. Nothing will ever change that. How could anyone ever feel alone in this universe?

But wouldn't it be nice to have someone to you know, be with? Yes, absolutely. But more specifically, it would be nice to be with someone else who knows this too. You see, I am whole, complete and connected by myself. In my life I already enjoy close relationships with siblings and friends who share this experience. We love each other enough to allow room, time, and most importantly - for each other to follow our paths. We interact with each other as divine beings working together towards a common goal. Anyone I added to this group would necessarily be another divine being having a human experience. I seek for all of my close relationships to be with other people who are living from their divine nature. This precludes the possibility of being alone.

When I am ready and it is the right time, my higher self will guide me in finding the person I am meant to be with. And yes, the person. Just as I know my purpose, I also know my teammates. I know each of them arrives at precisely the right time (as we planned it). I wish that I could share this knowledge with everyone. I feel so much compassion for every lonely person who looks at me and sees loneliness. I wish I could give them the amazing connection I experience at the center of my life with all of creation. I wish I could give them my knowing that everything happens at the right time and in the right places. I wish I could show them that they are never ever alone - and that what they want isn't me - it's the knowing that they are attracted to. I also know that they are the only ones who can make the choice to experience the connectedness of everything. I know that they must find their own higher selves, their own passions and purposes. So I send them love and well wishes that one day they will be ready to make that choice.

The Forest for the Trees

It seems like for time immemorial I've been someone who struggled with self harm. One of the most insidious expressions of this self sabotage was picking. Unlike my other forms of self harm, picking is very easy to rationalize. After all, thousands of advertising dollars have been spent persuading me that I must have flawless skin. And so in fear of being imperfect I sought out and created my own garish flaws far worse than the ones my probing fingers found in their subconscious exploration of my skin for changes in texture. I would obsessively stroke patches with hairs that were too long, pores more clogged than those around them, freckles, moles, and an endless list of flaws. My neurosis about my skin was so great that I generated an allergic reaction to myself. I would scratch and pick when I was bored, stressed, tired, and even just not paying attention. Every trip into the bathroom I would stand pressed into the bathroom mirror, moving closer until the surface would fog and I would crane my head and probe for flaws. This too was subconscious. Of course I knew I was doing it - it's not as if I have not stood in the mirror, obsessively squeezing fluids from pimples while begging myself to stop. I knew it happened, but I still did not understand how to stop it.

I knew that my drive to pop pimples came from a birth mother whose perception of me always included flaws. Like any child, what I most craved was my mother's love and attention. Her focus on my flaws encouraged me to seek such flaws in myself and stamp them out before she could find them. In this way I would transform myself finally into the perfect doll for her to love.  Like all such obsessive searches which are focused on lack, I only found less love and more flaws. And even after years of work to realize all this - I was still picking. I had tried everything to clear my skin, but I still had flaws. Until tonight.

I went to the bathroom and as I was exiting, I had the experience of suddenly awaking to myself - the absurdity of the gesture - of standing pressed so close to the mirror. Who would I look at that way? Who would look at me that way? Would I tolerate that sort of scrutiny towards or from someone I loved? The problem was not the flaws in my skin. The problem was focusing on the flaws in my skin. All I needed to do to stop picking was to stop examining myself at ridiculous length for silly details.

I stepped back from the mirror to where I could see all of myself in it. I reminded myself of moments spent learning to love my body and be in awe of its beauty. I thought about my vessel, my container for my spark of bright divinity and how amazing it all was. And I found myself crying (and I still am) for the profound realization of that moment.

The problem is not our flaws. The problem is looking for them. We should remember to step back and see ourselves for who we actually are, our whole person. We can remember our connectedness, our divinity, our big picture. But most simply of all - we need to love ourselves.

Accepting the Gift

image courtesy
wikimedia commons

       For a few years now I've been learning to work with runes as another method of divination; primarily as self-work. One of the runes that has repeatedly appeared in such readings has been Gebo (it looks like an x). In the sources I've been using, the one word translation of that rune is the gift. For the years that I have been learning and keeping records, all of my readings have seemed to revolve around the superficial aspect of that meaning and ignored the deeper implications of it's other meanings. Gebo is also a rune of exchanges, personal relationships, partnerships, balance, barter, bargains and karmic returns. Put another way, Gebo is all about the cord that ties you to another. But what does that mean?
       We carry around with us burdens - psychic and emotional baggage that weighs us down and can eventually cripple us. Often these memories are tied to another and the harm that they have done us. The neurotic among us will also carry the guilt of the wrongs we did. Neither of these allows us to grow past a pain. It leaves us trapped to the recording of a yesterday that can never be revisited,  or so we believe. But what if we could change those memories? What if what we remembered about people (ourselves included) was about the gifts they gave us? But how would we do that?
       Years ago I was involved in a relationship with someone I loved very deeply. He was my best friend and I loved him. Our relationship came to a very painful and screeching halt one weekend when a drinking game revealed a dark secret that felt like the ultimate betrayal. Piled on top of all my other traumas in my young life, this particular one was too much, and so I tried to kill myself. Obviously,  it didn't work.
       My emotional devastation was so complete that it literally destroyed the person I had been up until this point. Freed of my past, I found a whole new identity and life - all leading up to the person I am today. After almost two and a half decades of dysfunctionality, I embarked upon a journey to follow my life path and be living the dream I am today.
       Happy ending, right? Well, almost. After college, I moved back home. And as it happens, so did he. His life isn't so great. In fact, I've been struggling with that fact all day. Maybe a lot of other girls would be wishing revenge. No, not me. I've been feeling guilty because I have a life that is wildly successful beyond all expectations.  It isn't perfect, but but I love it, and it's mine.
       Why do I get the happy sequels? Because I chose it, and still choose it.  It breaks my heart to see him suffer, and the part of me that will always love him wishes I could stop that. But I already tried. I know that we made a promise to each other before this lifetime. I know I asked him to break my heart so I could fly free. And he did. I don't know what he asked me, only that the possibility of it was so terrifying that the kept running and still is. The difference between us is that I have accepted the gift.
       That is the deeper secret of gebo. All relationships are created and designed to foster the exchange of information. Sometimes that information hurts. Sometimes pain is the only way we have allowed ourselves to learn it. That doesn't mean it has to hurt us forever. All we have to do is accept the gift. If we can let go of the pain long enough to focus on the positives that came from it, if we can remember the giver as someone we love who promised to help us, if we focus on the now as a direct result of that moment, we can be free to grow. That's why they call it the present; it's a gift. Do you accept it?

Hitler or Hercules?

Recently I had a conversation with one of my students about the power of our own perceptions and value judgements about our lives. We all choose how we see ourselves, you see, and this choice determines largely whether we will be villains or heroes in our lives. In other words, we are the director of the film (or theatre) of our lives. Whatever role we have allowed ourselves - (as the star of the show) to become typecast as - determines the type of story we are living.

When we enter this world as infants, we are blank slates upon which the outside world will inevitably make an impression. Our parents, family, and caregivers all etch their marks the deepest. Until our brainwaves shift to beta waves around age 6, we are absorbing the attitudes and beliefs we see around us. For those of us with kind, loving parents who saw their child as an amazing and wonderful gift from the universe, our earliest perception of ourselves is formed with the idea that we are an amazing and wonderful person. For those of us with critical parents who yelled at us often and told us we were "bad" children, our earliest perception of ourselves is formed with the idea that we are a flawed and bad person. This core perception of ourselves is important because we cannot tell the difference between "reality" and what we tell ourselves. Therefore whatever we perceive ourselves to be is the reality.

As children, our self worth originates from our parents. As adults, our self-worth must originate from ourselves. If our parents either made us dependent upon them, or denied us validation and self-worth, we may grow into adults who become dependent upon others for validation and self-worth. Some of us even tell ourselves that we need to be honest with ourselves. Under the guise of self-reflection and awareness, we mistake the judgements of others to be a true reflection of ourselves, and feel that we must open ourselves up to their criticism in order to make ourselves the best possible people. I know - because I myself have used this clever lie all too often.This idea however, is flawed.

Other people do not see us - they see themselves mirrored back. While it is tempting to believe that the feelings and attitudes of others towards ourselves are valid and determine our worth, the truth is, we are all each responsible only for and to ourselves. This is not to say that compassion and respect are not important, because they are, but that it is about being compassionate and kind to ourselves. If, when we perceive the outside world, we see ourselves reflected back, then any time we are judgmental,cruel, intolerant, unkind, (or any other negative emotion) towards another living thing - we are mirroring a behaviour that we learned from the outside world towards a being who reminds us of our own self in some way. These outward behaviours are actually directed inward. Thus, while it may appear that another is judging us correctly (and sometimes they do in fact see the truth), we must remember that the person they are judging is actually themselves, and that this judgement is based upon the experiences of their lives. The truth that they see has been coloured and shaped in their image - and is not an accurate reflection of our self.

This misrepresentation of motives and actions will always lead to hurt feelings at some point in our lives. Even the Dalai Lama have those who find his actions to be selfish and arrogant. Literally, there seems to be no way to avoid this. When it happens, although frustrating and possibly painful, we must remember that we are NOT responsible for other people's perceptions of ourselves. We are only responsible for OUR perception of ourselves.

There once were two boys. One grew up into an artist who loved to paint. When critics chose to demean his paintings, he took their words as truth and accepted each negative belief as his own. So complete was his acceptance of their derision, that he became capable of incomprehensible acts of cruelty and slaughter - and created the modern era from genocide. The other boy grew up into a husband and father. When he had a mental breakdown and killed his family, he refused to see himself as a killer, and instead asked Apollo for help in cleansing this evil from him. Because he refused to believe himself as a villain, he sought help for his problems and embarked on the journey of the hero. The first of these men is non other than Adolf Hitler, the second, Hercules.

Although I would say that Hitler is a villain and Hercules a hero, it is also important to remember that there are others who would disagree. What mattered in each of their lives was their own perception of themselves. Let's return for a moment to the example of the Dalai Lama. While there are many who perceive this man as a vessel of god, a holy man of compassion, a saint, and other heroic ideas - this is not universally so. There are those who perceive this man as a political dissident, a separatist, terrorist, and religious oligarch. Which is true? According to him, neither. He is just a man, trying to be as compassionate and kind as he can.

As individuals, we each choose the path we take in our lives based upon our self worth. If we believe ourselves to be villains, if we are consumed by guilt, we will allow ourselves to commit greater acts of deprivation because we are already bad. We will punish ourselves through self-destructive and sabotaging behaviour, pushing away those we love and destroying our own safety and security. If we believe ourselves to be heroes, if we believe that we are worthy, we will allow ourselves to accomplish greater goals because we have proven ourselves to be capable. We will reward ourselves by being open to receiving the love and abundance of the universe.

I had to remind myself of this recently when one of those inevitable experiences occurred. And I felt it important to share this experience with others. When people look and us and see themselves and are unhappy with what they see, it will manifest as negativity. It is important, firstly, to remember that this negativity is not a reflection upon us. Although we may try to be the best people that we can be - we are not responsible for others' perceptions. We are however, responsible to ourselves. Only we can determine if the ways in which we act are the way in which we wish to be treated. And only we can ever truly treat ourselves that way. Ultimately, we are the directors of our lives, and we chose the roles we play and the stories we tell. When someone knocks you down, pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and remember this, and that YOU choose your path.

It's All a Matter of Perspective

Today the Goddess taught me a very important lesson about choices. On my way home this evening, I passed two gentlemen walking along the side of the road. As I passed them, they turned to look at me and I them. I felt very strongly that they had been waiting for me. I was tired, hungry, and not really feeling up to picking up any travellers, so I said a quick prayer to Asphaltia to send another car and kept on going.

As soon as I said the prayer I knew I was wrong. I felt Her disappointment in me, along with the distinct impression that I was not listening. I considered this with some sadness as I continued to head towards home. I had spent the previous day (and I do mean the entire day) preparing for and participating in a very intense and moving group ritual. The strongest aspect of this was the ever-present presence of the divine in the guise of various deities. After a whole day of communing with the gods, as it were, I was quite worn out, but also very vividly aware of Asphaltia's displeasure with me. In fact, the further I drove away from the two men, the more the sensation of wrongness increased. I KNEW I was making the wrong decision, and the knowing became stronger and stronger until it became a physical sensation of pain and distress. Finally, I pulled over, put the car in park, and pulled out my cell phone to call my sister and ask her advice. Of course, she didn't answer.

I sat there on the side of the road quite paralyzed for a few minutes. All of my instincts and gut (which were freshly tuned to the will of the Universe) were vibrating with the knowledge that I needed to go back and speak with those men. Yet my "rational mind" was arguing all manner of reasons to continue home. I was a woman alone on a country road, no-one knew where I was, there was plenty of room anywhere for them to drag me off and murder me. And yet, I argued with myself, I was in a high vibratory state. I was in a good mood. I knew that I had taken this way, and not the way I had intended, because Asphaltia wanted me to meet these men. How could I believe the Universe would punish me for listening to it? Yet the irrational fear that all women are programmed with was compelling me to ignore all of this and continue home. And caught between the very rational and sane ideas of safety - and the very irrational pull of instinct and intuition - I could think of one thing to break the tie. Faith. (I had asked my sister a few hours earlier how I would exercise my faith muscles!)

Asphaltia has saved me from certain death more times than I can count. She answers even my smallest and simplest of prayers with the quickest of responses. I knew she would never allow harm to me, and this was Her idea. And, still further I reasoned, to go home was a decision made in fear. I knew I would drop to a lower energy level and be upset with myself for the rest of the day. I resolved not to choose fear. So I turned the car around and headed back to find those men. "Asphaltia help me," I said, "but I am only doing this because I believe in you and that you will never allow harm to come to me, and you told me to do this. This may be one of the craziest things I've ever done, but I'm doing it. Please protect me." And so I went to find them. And find them I did.

I pulled my car along side and asked the two men if they were ok and needed any helo. And as they turned to ask me how I was, I noticed both of them wore nice wooden crucifixes. It was as if my eyes were guided to the symbols of their faith - the Universe informing me that I was in the presence of others who serve. And such was absolutely the case. As it turns out, these two young men were walking for a cause: Walk of Dreams. We had a wonderful conversation about their charity and I offered what help I could and drove away. As I left, I heard them say to each other, "That was pretty cool." "Yeah." It was indeed cool.

Had I chosen fear, nothing would have happened, other than choosing fear. The two men would have continued along their chosen route none the wiser. I would have continued home and likely had a terrible evening where I was upset with myself for making the wrong choice. I also would not have been blessed with the opportunity to meet others such as myself, who though they serve deity in another guise, certainly serve life and love as much as I do. And I would not have learned a multitude of lessons from this. I would not have realized that the silence of my "monkey brain" (or id), which I had taken for defeat, was actually due to its clever new disguise as "rational mind." I would have missed an amazing opportunity for the Universe to reinforce the idea that perspective determines reality, and not had my faith in humanity renewed. I would not be sitting here, writing in this blog, because I would also not have had several other pertinent realizations about myself, my self image and my path. I would not have realized how much I was allowing fear and the opinions of others to dictate my path.

One little decision, seemingly unimportant has already changed my life significantly. And who knows what new decisions will be made from my new found perspective. Isn't it funny how the results are the exact opposite of what I had imagined they would be? The path which seemed to be safest - was also the wrong path - which would have led to more of the same. The path that terrified me - that seemed absolutely insane - led to a wonderful journey of insights and self discovery.

Solstice Thoughts

As the wheel of the year turns again and we find ourselves once more celebrating the Summer Solstice, I feel it only appropriate that our thoughts should turn toward the Sun and consider it's nature. The sun is the center of our solar system; it's life is our own. Its birth begat our world and those in our neighborhood. It's light makes life here possible. Consider for a moment the intrinsic necessity of the Sun and all it has given so freely.

Consider still further the request it makes of us. For all that it gives is given freely and given to all. Male, female, hermaphrodite; the Sun warms all and does not care for the gender of those its rays touch. Rich, poor, middle class... black, white, Hispanic, Asian, mixed... tall, short, skinny, fat, average... the Sun does not care. The Sun gives life to all and all alike... to sinners and saints, evildoers and compassionate beings. The Sun gives to ALL. Sol makes no distinctions, no requirements, no exceptions.

And so on this day that we celebrate he height of the Sun, I ask of you this, who are we to beg to differ? Who are we but the children of the stars, beings bound together in inextricable ways to the entirety of the Universe. Yet we small fragile things presume in our hubris that our judgement is superior to that of the Sun? I disagree.

I think the Sun has the right of things. We, deluded by our own cleverness, are ignorant at best for failing to see that our fate lies with the fate of millions of others - that we survive as a species or perish as a species. And so I charge you on this sacred day, those of you who dare to call yourselves children of the stars and followers of the ancient ways, I challenge you to actually think about your life and your heart. I challenge you to ask yourself if you live like the Sun. I challenge you to take this day to embody that which you hold sacred. Let go of your hollow words and celebrate the Sun with feelings and deeds - by taking one day to see the world as the Sun and love it - no distinctions, no exceptions, no conditions. Just give your light and your love unconditionally for one day. After all, the Sun has been doing it for longer than you can fathom.

Compassion Mind: Being in the Love

For awhile now, the universe has been sending messages my way about "being in the love." And while it sounds like the simplest response to a multitude of questions I ask, it has been deceptively difficult. Until today. This morning I woke up half an hour late to discover that my phone had died. Hence, no alarm. Once it was on I discovered that I needed to be at my destination half an hour early - which meant I had about ten minutes to finish getting ready - nowhere near enough time to do yoga or meditate. Normally this might cause me to feel in a bit of a funk and expect the day to not go well. Instead I promised to do yoga earlier and as for the meditation - well, I would try to be mindful every moment and not just while sitting on my floor.

I can't say that I managed to be as zen as I set out to be - but somehow I did manage to stay in the love. And amazing things happened. I felt bad just low in energy, so I donned my sunglasses, went outside, and picked a tree. And I sat there, peacefully, enjoying the beautiful day. Soon some honey bees appeared in the flowers near me. Being a fan of honey, and decently informed about bees and their importance, I concentrated on the bee and thought about how grateful I was for his presence and how much love I had for him at that moment. After collecting his nectar he paused to buzz by my head for a few seconds before zipping off. A second bee appeared and we repeated our dance. It was a wonderfully magical experience.

Then my three year old niece appeared and began to ask me questions about what I was doing and why I was sitting with a tree. And just as I had chose to love the bees, I chose to love her questions. We talked about spring and nature and types of trees, and where fruit came from - which was pretty amazing. Then we spotted two spiders in a beautiful web inches from my head which allowed us both to see them up close. Being a spider woman myself, I was blessed to hear my girl say, "Hi Spider. Hehhe, they're so cute! I think that one's a little girl like me!" And then, I got to watch her play hide and seek with the faeries.

Later, when my niece was tired, and not being a good listener - I as again presented with the opportunity to choose love. She was running around, giggling, and wearing grandma's patience thin. I felt myself feeling impatient and wondered what exactly I could do - punishing her wasn't going to work. So I firmly told her that it was nap time - and that she would need to practice before school. She could choose to lie on the couch alone and angry, or come and cuddle with me, but she had to lie there. We struggled for ten minutes, her wiggling, me loving - and talking softly every time I told her to be still. Finally I wrapped her in a giant hug, curled up behind her and deliberately bathed her in love. I focused on how much I love her and how safe and comfortable she was. And then the yawning began. Soon enough, the wiggle monster had disappeared to be replaced by a sleeping angel.

The ride home was just as magical. When a slow car was in front of me I focused on loving them, and choosing it over the annoyance and anger I would normally feel. They shortly turned and everything went perfectly well. Other people used their turn signals, lights were green for me, and I didn't have to wait to turn. The world was a stunning landscape bathed in light and I was traveling through endless beauty. And somewhere along the way I realized I was having a WONDERFUL day. I could fill the screen with adjectives - or simply say I was in love.

Yes, you might say my results were simple things - but I was happy - and the world around me flowed perfectly, and I in it. And as a result - things worked perfectly for me. I realized and recognized that I was choosing love each time I was faced with a choice - and brushed away negative thoughts by focusing on love and beauty. For a day that started with the potential for disaster - the sort of day where everything goes wrong - my simple intention to live mindfully led me to find a wonderful day and be conscious of choosing it. All I had to do was be mindful - and stay in the love. Simple, right? Hopefully it is now that I know the way.

Why Pagans and Buddhists Should Roleplay

Every experience in life presents us with an opportunity to learn a lesson. Repetition, ironically, provides us both with a vehicle for learning lessons but conversely creating patterns, habits, and modes of responding to situations which are repeated unconsciously. In many cases we already know who we are and how we respond to things - and so many lessons in life are repeated in a seemingly endless cycle because of our unwillingness to change the patterns that we have defined as our personalities and selves.

This is where true roleplaying begins. Learning to truly roleplay means to let go of the personalities and identities we see as ourselves and becoming someone else. If you can engage your child personality fully in the act of play and embrace your character, you are in a very real way, consciously choosing an incarnation in which to learn karma and life lessons that you as an individual are resistant to learning.

This tool works best when you are a fully engaged player and are blessed with a fully engaged storyteller and rp group. As with thought forms, astral constructs, and other "advanced" forms of magical creation, group effort produces the most intense effects. There are a couple of reasons for this. From a magical perspective - more people = more energy = more "concrete" construction. Society is an excellent example of this principle at work. From a scientific perspective, there is a point of mathematical "critical mass" that defines the point at which reality is altered by the belief of people. This number is always the same in relation to the population at large. Thus, when a small group of people are present, their collective belief system alters their immediate reality. Ergo, get a bunch of people together who create a communal reality - and you wind up with a very complicated, intricate, and large world (or worlds) - that is also very REAL.

Another means of allowing roleplaying to work most effectively for you is to grow to the point of creating a character who seems least like yourself. This allows for surprisingly new perspectives on life - and profound spiritual realizations. My admittedly favourite character at present is one that I still marvel at playing. She is many things I thought I would never play - but I have learned incredible life lessons from her. As my spiritual journey informed the perspectives from which I approached her life trauma - her amazing growth in response (which also makes her the thing I never thought I would do) has informed my spiritual growth in return - intertwining our karma. This is due to the degree to which I have allowed myself to step outside of who I am and what I do - and experience situations from radically new perspectives. In playing her I allow myself to fully experience "crazy" - which is perhaps her ultimate gift to me in terms of mental shift. By completely shedding myself of cultural boundaries and definitions and disregarding the concept of "crazy" I have found the freedom of my authentic self.

So how do you reach the point where your roleplaying character teaches you karmic lessons that you were ignoring for years? Play. Play. Play. Play until you fall back into make believe again - and find a troupe of friends who make believe with you. Better yet, find a game everyone enjoys, and bring your whole spiritual group into it. Incarnating as alternative selves with the people you attend ritual with speeds your development as a group - and alters social relationships to the point where people can more easily overcome shared karma and learn shared lessons. That is what breeds healthy and strong spiritual groups - and honestly, makes the most amazing games.

And then go lose yourself in someone you never once imagined yourself to be - and give yourself the freedom to change.

The Power of Perception

Very often in life we complain about things being beyond our control, about things done to us, of injustices we have suffered, of circumstances we must live through. Many times we refuse to be empowered and take control of our own lives because we would rather wallow in misery. Often we give up without even trying because we feel we are doomed to failure. And even more often, we like to justify our failures by pretending that circumstances beyond our control kept us from being great. But the truth is the only thing that keeps us from anything - is ourselves.

I am aware of two women who the world considers to be disabled. One, Teri, was born without an arm. The other, Sarah, had her lower legs amputated shortly after birth. We could argue over which is the greater disability, but that is not the purpose of this exercise in thought. The purpose of this is to look at their lives and consider who is actually disabled. Teri is a drug addict. She married an alcoholic. She lives on the same plot of land as her parents with only her daughter to keep her company. She has no education and lives on disability checks from the government. She is, by all accounts, a miserable human being. Sarah, on the other hand, is a motivational speaker. She graduated from Georgetown, interned at the Pentagon, and competed in many athletic events (which she won). She is also a model and actress. She has even made People magazine's list of most beautiful people.

How interesting the differences are between these two women. They are in many ways, opposites. What made the difference? Attitude. Teri gave up on life. She feels the world owes her. She carries the baggage of being ugly and unloved and projects it upon all of her relationships. Sarah changed the dialogue. She inspires schoolchildren and even inspires envy in others because of her ability to change her height at will. Her positive attitude and refusal to identify as disabled has allowed her to elevate herself to a superhuman place.

Which kind of person are you? Do you justify your laziness because of some "disability" you possess or do you push yourself to do the impossible? Are you a quitter? Have you given up without trying? Did you show up for yourself and win the race no-one thought you could enter? Which kind of person do you want to be? Do you love yourself enough to stop defending your failures and choose to succeed?

For every shortcoming, unfortunate circumstance, and obstacle in our path, there is another person out there who has the same. They are living their dreams. Why aren't you?

The Challenge

No-one wants to be special anymore. Only the truly naive beg to be special, and even then it's their kind of special - chosen one, fairy tale princess, supremely powerful witch - a one-sided childhood fantasy of magically having everything we've ever wanted without having to do anything for it but wait for it to happen because we are... special. And so the wisest among us wrap ourselves in Copernican theory. We're so far removed from the center of the universe that we think we are a freak accident of cosmic chaos, a temporary and meaningless blip of nothing. We've gone from the pathetically egocentric and geocentric model of existence to the opposite extreme; a coldly logical and nihilistic worldview that leaves us with nothing. Given that, neither view is likely to be correct. The answer instead must lie somewhere in the middle.

Logically, in any given set of data, there will be extremes. And so it stands to reason that despite our current abhorrence of the concept, some of us must in fact, be special. And given our current knowledge of infinite multiverse, it may be radical, but not unfair to say that we, as humans, are ALL special. So why are we so reluctant to be so?

If the naive are desperate to be special, the experienced are reluctant to be so for they alone bear the secret that every hero knows: it is the journey that makes the hero. Read some mythology. Read some science fiction. Read some fantasy. Find me a hero that had a happy life, who had everything laid out before them. Think of the popular heroes of our culture, line them up side by side, and tell me what common thread you find wound among them. Luke Skywalker, Harry Potter, Neo... all went through absolute hell to get where they were. There's a burden that comes with being special; it means you are destined to struggle with some serious shit. And that's what makes the hero. Every hero finds themselves faced with a choice. Their specialness, their destiny, is a given. It will not change or go away. The question is how they deal with it. Does the shit make them a villain or does the shit make them a hero?

We were born alone in this corner of the universe; a rare and special combination of just right in a solar system of just right in a universe of just right. Cosmically speaking, our entire species occupies a very awesome sweet spot. We, each of us, are one of the few (not only, but not many) occurrences of sentient aware beings in this science experiment. What are we going to do with it? Certainly our future is dubious as a species, but what of our future as individuals, for it is as individuals that we comprise this species. We were born, we are going to die. We are each unique. These are givens. What we do with those givens are up to us. So I ask, do you dare to be special? Do you have what it takes to confront yourself, to battle your demons and struggle with yourself until you find yourself at harmony with the universe, until you know your unique purpose? Do you have what it takes to embark upon the hero's journey, to stand out, to lift your species to greatness? Or are you a selfish villain, will you hamper the survival, the betterment, the greatness that is our potential, because all you are concerned with is yourself? Are you a villain? Or worse, are you a mindless nothing, giving your money, your support, your very existence to the villainy of selfishness?

Today is the day you make that decision. I made mine. What is yours?

Know Thyself

for years now I've made a habit out of scrutinizing myself and analyzing my flaws and weaknesses. I think I can honestly attribute this practice to the continued presence of Rhiannon in my life. at first this process required an external combustion source, harsh criticism by one of her priestesses. it was painful. and it got to be even more painful. once I was past the stage of being verbally told my flaws, I moved into the stage where painful events beyond my control revealed them to me. I began talking directly to Rhiannon, and her hand certainly felt quite heavy. but after every wound had healed I found myself more whole, as though an infection had been removed from me. and so I persisted. for certain the process is not entirely internal yet; the universe still prompts me to recognize the spots "I've missed", but it has become less painful. and this is as it should be; I am a crystal in the jeweler's hand, each step of the sandpaper is softer than the last.

like a crystal, although I am more beautiful in my polished state, polishing me does not remove my flaws; it refines them. to remove the flaws in a stone would be to remove what makes that stone different from another. rose quartz is actually the same thing as an amethyst. both are "impure" versions of a quartz, each infused with a different periodic element. if you removed that impurity, you would no longer have a rose quartz or an amethyst. likewise, it is our "flaws" that make us different from one another, that make us who we are instead of someone else. but our flaws need not be negatives that detract from our beauty, they can be refined to make us the best that we could be.

we are each reflections of the divine, and as such our flaws are not terrible things to destroyed, but challenges and strengths we have yet to uncover. we were born with these specific traits because that is what the universe needed. our specific combination of traits is perfectly suited to help ease the suffering of another part of the universe. we are born to be the antidote to another's pain. but if we do not examine ourselves, if we do not uncover these flaws and transform them from weaknesses into strengths, if we persist in lying to ourselves, we will be unready, unwilling and unable to help each other. this is why self-examination and honesty are necessary. as long as we are in denial about who we really are, we are unable to use that knowledge to make the world a better place. in doing so we deny our purpose, our destiny, our identity.

Learn to Love

In searching for the Tibetan script for a Tara mantra, I came across a profoundly disturbing website. It was filled with image after image of Tara, her mantras, etc. And it was dedicated solely to the praise and pursuit of anorexia. My first reaction was anger; how dare anyone use her name in such profanity. Then I felt sadness, for if anyone needs Tara it is this young woman. Both were my monkey brain trying to distract me from the truth. If anyone needs Tara, it is me.

Being drawn to Tara is not a sign of praise, it is a sign of desperately needing help. Those of us who are called to her are not good people. We posses a secret self hatred that drives us to create our own suffering in the most literal of ways. We cut, we starve, we pick, we binge, we purge. Tara is the Bodhisattva of curing self-hatred. (That is not to say that you must be these things to be called by her; she is a saviouress of many other things too.) Like Christ, she comes not for those good souls, but for we damned. She has set herself the impossible task of saving all women, and so she must stop that horrible sickness so common in women; the belief that we are bad beings, deserving of punishment, that we must force ourselves to be prefect.

Somewhere we forgot that, as women, we are each representations of the goddess, life-givers incarnate. We are each sacred in our own, as varied as the goddesses mankind has worshiped over time. We are not all Venus, nor should we try to be. Even the Romans knew that.

Modernity has taught us that we are flawed, removed from perfection and divinity; that we must be tamed, corseted and tied in order to be worthy of worship. But all this does is obscure the truth. In seeking false perfection, we betray ourselves and our sisters. What begins as hatred of self is projected outward. We learn to hate other women for the perfection they have that we do not. We all wander around brimming with jealousy and hatred of ourselves, of each other. Our daughters inherit our prejudice, they learn our private rituals of debasement. An entire generation of women are raised in perpetuation of this banality. We no longer need men to vilify, devalue or abuse us, we do this to ourselves.

This is why feminism has failed. We will never have equality until we can uplift each other. We will never be respected until we respect ourselves. Until our sons and brothers see us as strong, as beautiful, until we have regained our place as daughters of the goddess, we will still see our sisters suffering unspeakable things. Their burden is ours.

Tara comes to us to teach us to love again, to love ourselves, to love our sisters. We broken vessels are her emissaries; if we can learn to love ourselves, every woman can. Think of her when the urge to cut is strong, when you want to harm yourself so bad it hurts. Say her name, her mantra, cry out. She will make you strong. She will make me strong. Let today be the last day we rejoice in our own suffering, let today be the first day we save ourselves.

Reality is a Cult of Illusion

Look around you. Take a good look. Do you see someone you dislike, perhaps a stereotype of another society, one faction of a social group pitted against yours? It's easy to think you're enlightened, that you are an American, that you come from the most-forward thinking country on the planet, and are therefore on the front lines of tolerance in society. But that, my friend, is one giant lie told to you by your monkey brain to excuse the other things you say.

How many times have I heard a white person look around the room and then confide to his friends that though he is not a racist, that he is sick of white people being mistreated and accused of racism, that he is denied work in favour of affirmative action, that his life is so terrible because of everything the black people receive. Or the mexicans, because of course, they are the "new black." A really clever monkey brain will tell you that it is illegal immigrants who do all of this, not just one specific race or culture. Those of us who are smart enough to recognize these views as the hatred that they are also tend to think that if we aren't guilty of these... that we aren't guilty at all. Not so, our monkey brains are just more clever.

Look closer at yourself, you will find them. Are you a member of a subculture? Are you a geek, hippy, stoner, raver, goth, punk, emo, nerd, musician, artist, circus performer, freak? Do you identify with the odd, the uncanny, and generally everything disliked by mainstream society like the number 13, Halloween, black cats and witches? Are you a witch? Are you a Pagan? Do you actively seek to undermine the man? Do you hate those who represent his ways? Do middle class, blonde, tanned, perfect, hollywood, conservative, consumerist, capitalist, people piss you off? Did you hate cheerleaders in high school? Listen to yourself. When you go out in public, do you view these people the way you always did? Do you see it as us versus them? You are racist too. You hold hatred for a culture, for your fellow human beings. You spread anger, fear, hatred and misery in the world. Especially those of you enlightened enough to hear what I'm saying. If you pray, meditate, do yoga, or any other sort of esoteric process, you are more damaging to the world than a flock of racists when you have hatred in your heart. Your thoughts influence the world more strongly because you practice that.

When you walk out into the world with hatred, with the idea that someone else is making your life miserable, dragging you under, tearing you down... you are making it so. You are programming the universe to listen to your expectations. You are sending energy to your adversaries, emboldening them to attack you more. You are filling the world around you with negative energy and attracting very ugly things to you, no matter how noble you perceive your struggle to be.

Do you want a better life? Do you want to live in a better world? Do you pay lip service to world peace? Then get off your ass and do something about it. Go out in the world tomorrow and LOVE. Love every human being you come across, no matter what their culture, social status, career, appearance, anything. Pretend they are all your friends. Watch what happens.

On Love

"Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence." - H.L. Mencken

I found this posted on facebook today, it was one of my friend's fortune cookies. It struck me as incredibly profound and wonderfully true, and very important. I've been thinking lately about what I learned from reading Herman Hesse's Siddhartha. What I took away from that book was that Buddha found enlightenment in the river. Which, aside from the Taoist thoughts I have about that particular detail, means that he found enlightenment in the middle path. He left both hedonism and asceticism to find his balance - in nature. I have interpreted this to mean, that there is a way to live life in harmony - in the middle path. What does this mean? What does this have to do with love?

Love is like food, sex, intoxicants, magic, relationships, etc. We glorify and define it along societal standards that tell us what love is, where we will find it and whom it will be with. All of these expectations are attachments to the constructed idea of love. And the post-modern American love at that. Remember, this is not Chinese love or medieval Gothic love or even Greek heroic love. It is NOT love at all, but rather an idea of what we think it should be. This is our imagination taking over reality and supplanting the truth with hurtful fantasies that we are addicted to. This is our imagination triumphing over our mind and reason. It is another sick generation of the monkey brain.

Does this mean we can't have love without also suffering? I don't think so. I think the issue is real love - compassion and caring for another human being while also being in full knowledge of them, especially their perceived flaws. As long as we truly see the people in our lives for who they are, as long as we don't expect them to live up to some Hollywood standard, we can have healthy productive relationships. But when we project those desires and demands for imaginary perfection onto another person, we hurt them. We hurt ourselves. They rebel, (and wouldn't we all) and then we get hurt and angry and lash out at them for failing to fulfill our expectations. True love is unconditional, without demands. It just is.

To attain a stable relationship, to have peace in love, we must be willing to work for the truth. We must see our loved ones as they truly are, and accept them for that. If we cannot do it - then we don't really love them. We just think we do.