Through the Looking Glass

          A lot of us within the Pagan community seem to harbor resentment towards Christianity. Rare is the Pagan who has reclaimed the Christian language and made peace with a religion that, for many, is the religion of their childhoods. I’ve often wondered why this is. Many people will tell you (and truthfully, for them) that it is a matter of persecution (which is sometimes the case). Even in cases where a person is not being persecuted, there still remains some distaste for the magical symbols and terms associated with or appropriated by Christianity. For example, very few of us would be comfortable invoking Christ. Why is this?

The second most common answer would be hypocrisy. It is an answer given by those of us who pride ourselves on some level of tolerance (“It’s just the hypocrites I can’t stand”). This is the point at which we usually begin to separate the Christians we know into two camps: The Good Christians (rare, but everyone usually knows at least one) and The Bad Christians (who are, let’s face it, every one else). What qualifies a person as being in one camp or another seems to be by how true they are to (the Pagan) person’s perception of Christianity. Are they loving? Are they giving? Are they forgiving, tolerant, kind, etc? Do they follow the teachings of Christ?

If the Pagan community were a singular entity (and Christianity were as well), I would tell Paganism that we do not dislike something in others without first seeing it in ourselves. While we are so busy judging other people by OUR idea of their life path, we rarely stop to consider how other people are judging us by their view of ours. If we are not to be judged by the pop culture satanic cardboard cutout, then we will be judged by another stereotype. Given our roots and our writings, it would seem to some that we should more closely resemble the hippie movement from which our culture sprang.  

We claim to worship the Earth, to revere nature, to have spirit animals, to follow in the footsteps of indigenous peoples and first nations everywhere who still dance to the rhythm of the sun and earth. We toss about their terms and mysteries like name-droppers at a party in Hollywood, eager to impress each other with our esoteric knowledge. And yet, we do know how any of this works? Do we actually practice and work with it? Not really. Remember that scene in Avatar when Neytiri says to Jake, “Sky People cannot learn, you do not See”? Do you remember the difference between who Jake was at the beginning of the movie, and then who he was at the end? Which Jake do you more closely resemble?

How often do we sit outside, only to be glued to our devices? How many times have you walked from one place to another staring at your cellphone? Do you hide from thunder and shun “bad” weather? When was the last time you felt dirt between your toes? When did you last feel the rain on your face? Have you ever sat with an insect that you didn’t kill, and marveled at its beauty? Have you ever grown your own food? Are you comfortable with nature?

My point is, while we are busy judging Christians as good or bad, someone is judging us. And if I have seen all of this on the inside, what must people be thinking from the outside? What do all those whose cultural icons and symbols we have appropriated think of us? How hypocritical do we look? Are we being "bad" Pagans?

This brings me to two very important points: One: stop judging. The next time you see a “bad Christian” ask yourself if you are being a “bad Pagan.” Then lovingly forgive both of you (and mean it). We each have our own tasks and paths, and only the divine can truly see where we are. Two:  It’s your religion. When you stumble through life attached to your cellphone, you’re the one who misses the intimate and powerful relationship with nature that is rightfully yours. You are the one who is tuning out magic and disconnecting yourself from the web of life. You chose this path, is today the day you will get up and walk it?

Three Little Birds

Photo by BrandyCorc at SXC

My morning meditation this morning happened to be about birds. I'm reading Eckhart Tolle's A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life's Purpose. In his introduction he speaks of birds, flowers, and crystals as all being the enlightened form of their kind. He also says that contemplating one of those in your meditation allows you to connect with the formless.

Intellectually, I thought about birds. I considered their attitudes, their habits, their bodies, and the manifestations of their lives. Birds never worry. They live in a world of changing weather patterns and must migrate hundreds and sometimes thousands of miles to have sustainable habitation. There are other birds, cats, humans, and other groups waiting to eat, trap, kill, or otherwise harm birds. They must build their own homes, raise their own young, get their own food, etc. At any point they may be left to do this on their own when their partner is killed. They have no support groups, no life insurance policies, no bank account, none of the things that many of us often consider necessary to our survival. They must survive hurricanes, thunder storms, droughts, and forest fires. I realized I would not say a bird's life is at all easy, and might quite possibly be harder than mine. And yet, none of the birds surrounding me showed signs of stress. They were flitting around, signing, eating, and courting. They are all beautiful in their own ways - and even the "plain" ones among them are possessed of the same grace and beauty as the most brightly coloured. Even those that might seem unattractive to a human eye still carry a certain presence. Many of them spend most of their time singing or flying. While flying, they often relax into air currents, simply letting the wind take them where they need to go.

And then, there are hummingbirds. These absolutely tiny (the ones in my yard are smaller than my thumb, and I have small hands) creatures are miracles. No one has ever told them that they violate the laws of physics, and so they create their own reality of what is possible. And as I contemplated the hummingbird sitting on the branch above my head - I experienced something that words can barely describe. I remember my only coherent thought being "It's so bright, why is everything so bright?" I was aware of my heart chakra being open. I was aware of things growing incredibly light around the hummingbird. There was only that one stray thought, and all the rest was silence as I watched this little miracle glow. Tears streamed down my face and I was filled with the infinite.

I left my meditation hearing one of my favourite feel good songs in my head:

Singin' sweet songs
Of melodies pure and true,
Sayin', "This is my message to you-ou-ou:"
Singin': "Don't worry 'bout a thing,
'Cause every little thing gonna be all right."

And for the first time, I think I heard what Marley did when he wrote that song. The birds are singing that outside my door too.

You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

(and yes, I hope you just heard Mandy Patinkin's voice).

A lot of people I know tend to use the word "alone." Specifically, other people have a tendency to perceive me as being alone. And while that is strictly true in the no romantic partner sense - that is pretty much the only way it is true. In fact, alone is a word that, as I tell my niece, is a made up idea. There is no such thing as alone - not really. I understand that a lot of people spend enormous amounts of time and energy longing for and searching for someone, often anyone. I know - I used to do that too. Right up until I tried to commit suicide of over it. My desire for someone led me to a relationship that I allowed to destroy my life. I've written other posts about this experience for me before - because it is one of two pivotal experiences that make me who I am. When I woke up from the miasma of suffering I had created for myself - it was through creation, inspiration, and following my passion. I understood then that I could no longer live my life with my happiness pinned upon any person other than myself.

My journey since then has been centered around exploring my purpose in this world and my connection to my higher self. Although others may perceive the large amounts of time I spend with no physical contact as alone, I am anything but. My cosmic view involves knowing intellectually that I am connected  genetically, chemically, and ultimately energetically to the entire cosmos (including ever parallel world of the multiverse). I know that all times may possibly exist in the room with me - that on other dimensions and energetic frequencies, other beings exist in the same space as I. My cosmic view also involves knowing experientially and profoundly that I am connected to all of creation in very awesome ways. Each moment I spend in creation, in meditation, in zen mode is another moment I spend connecting with my divine self and the sum total of creation. I have spent moments crying in bliss and awe at the amazing sensations of feeling the connection that I know to be there intellectually. I am surrounded by loving people, animals, plants, the planet, our star, dark matter... I am infinitely connected and fundamentally a part of the cosmic whole. Nothing will ever change that. How could anyone ever feel alone in this universe?

But wouldn't it be nice to have someone to you know, be with? Yes, absolutely. But more specifically, it would be nice to be with someone else who knows this too. You see, I am whole, complete and connected by myself. In my life I already enjoy close relationships with siblings and friends who share this experience. We love each other enough to allow room, time, and most importantly - for each other to follow our paths. We interact with each other as divine beings working together towards a common goal. Anyone I added to this group would necessarily be another divine being having a human experience. I seek for all of my close relationships to be with other people who are living from their divine nature. This precludes the possibility of being alone.

When I am ready and it is the right time, my higher self will guide me in finding the person I am meant to be with. And yes, the person. Just as I know my purpose, I also know my teammates. I know each of them arrives at precisely the right time (as we planned it). I wish that I could share this knowledge with everyone. I feel so much compassion for every lonely person who looks at me and sees loneliness. I wish I could give them the amazing connection I experience at the center of my life with all of creation. I wish I could give them my knowing that everything happens at the right time and in the right places. I wish I could show them that they are never ever alone - and that what they want isn't me - it's the knowing that they are attracted to. I also know that they are the only ones who can make the choice to experience the connectedness of everything. I know that they must find their own higher selves, their own passions and purposes. So I send them love and well wishes that one day they will be ready to make that choice.

The Forest for the Trees

It seems like for time immemorial I've been someone who struggled with self harm. One of the most insidious expressions of this self sabotage was picking. Unlike my other forms of self harm, picking is very easy to rationalize. After all, thousands of advertising dollars have been spent persuading me that I must have flawless skin. And so in fear of being imperfect I sought out and created my own garish flaws far worse than the ones my probing fingers found in their subconscious exploration of my skin for changes in texture. I would obsessively stroke patches with hairs that were too long, pores more clogged than those around them, freckles, moles, and an endless list of flaws. My neurosis about my skin was so great that I generated an allergic reaction to myself. I would scratch and pick when I was bored, stressed, tired, and even just not paying attention. Every trip into the bathroom I would stand pressed into the bathroom mirror, moving closer until the surface would fog and I would crane my head and probe for flaws. This too was subconscious. Of course I knew I was doing it - it's not as if I have not stood in the mirror, obsessively squeezing fluids from pimples while begging myself to stop. I knew it happened, but I still did not understand how to stop it.

I knew that my drive to pop pimples came from a birth mother whose perception of me always included flaws. Like any child, what I most craved was my mother's love and attention. Her focus on my flaws encouraged me to seek such flaws in myself and stamp them out before she could find them. In this way I would transform myself finally into the perfect doll for her to love.  Like all such obsessive searches which are focused on lack, I only found less love and more flaws. And even after years of work to realize all this - I was still picking. I had tried everything to clear my skin, but I still had flaws. Until tonight.

I went to the bathroom and as I was exiting, I had the experience of suddenly awaking to myself - the absurdity of the gesture - of standing pressed so close to the mirror. Who would I look at that way? Who would look at me that way? Would I tolerate that sort of scrutiny towards or from someone I loved? The problem was not the flaws in my skin. The problem was focusing on the flaws in my skin. All I needed to do to stop picking was to stop examining myself at ridiculous length for silly details.

I stepped back from the mirror to where I could see all of myself in it. I reminded myself of moments spent learning to love my body and be in awe of its beauty. I thought about my vessel, my container for my spark of bright divinity and how amazing it all was. And I found myself crying (and I still am) for the profound realization of that moment.

The problem is not our flaws. The problem is looking for them. We should remember to step back and see ourselves for who we actually are, our whole person. We can remember our connectedness, our divinity, our big picture. But most simply of all - we need to love ourselves.

Accepting the Gift

image courtesy
wikimedia commons

       For a few years now I've been learning to work with runes as another method of divination; primarily as self-work. One of the runes that has repeatedly appeared in such readings has been Gebo (it looks like an x). In the sources I've been using, the one word translation of that rune is the gift. For the years that I have been learning and keeping records, all of my readings have seemed to revolve around the superficial aspect of that meaning and ignored the deeper implications of it's other meanings. Gebo is also a rune of exchanges, personal relationships, partnerships, balance, barter, bargains and karmic returns. Put another way, Gebo is all about the cord that ties you to another. But what does that mean?
       We carry around with us burdens - psychic and emotional baggage that weighs us down and can eventually cripple us. Often these memories are tied to another and the harm that they have done us. The neurotic among us will also carry the guilt of the wrongs we did. Neither of these allows us to grow past a pain. It leaves us trapped to the recording of a yesterday that can never be revisited,  or so we believe. But what if we could change those memories? What if what we remembered about people (ourselves included) was about the gifts they gave us? But how would we do that?
       Years ago I was involved in a relationship with someone I loved very deeply. He was my best friend and I loved him. Our relationship came to a very painful and screeching halt one weekend when a drinking game revealed a dark secret that felt like the ultimate betrayal. Piled on top of all my other traumas in my young life, this particular one was too much, and so I tried to kill myself. Obviously,  it didn't work.
       My emotional devastation was so complete that it literally destroyed the person I had been up until this point. Freed of my past, I found a whole new identity and life - all leading up to the person I am today. After almost two and a half decades of dysfunctionality, I embarked upon a journey to follow my life path and be living the dream I am today.
       Happy ending, right? Well, almost. After college, I moved back home. And as it happens, so did he. His life isn't so great. In fact, I've been struggling with that fact all day. Maybe a lot of other girls would be wishing revenge. No, not me. I've been feeling guilty because I have a life that is wildly successful beyond all expectations.  It isn't perfect, but but I love it, and it's mine.
       Why do I get the happy sequels? Because I chose it, and still choose it.  It breaks my heart to see him suffer, and the part of me that will always love him wishes I could stop that. But I already tried. I know that we made a promise to each other before this lifetime. I know I asked him to break my heart so I could fly free. And he did. I don't know what he asked me, only that the possibility of it was so terrifying that the kept running and still is. The difference between us is that I have accepted the gift.
       That is the deeper secret of gebo. All relationships are created and designed to foster the exchange of information. Sometimes that information hurts. Sometimes pain is the only way we have allowed ourselves to learn it. That doesn't mean it has to hurt us forever. All we have to do is accept the gift. If we can let go of the pain long enough to focus on the positives that came from it, if we can remember the giver as someone we love who promised to help us, if we focus on the now as a direct result of that moment, we can be free to grow. That's why they call it the present; it's a gift. Do you accept it?

Hitler or Hercules?

Recently I had a conversation with one of my students about the power of our own perceptions and value judgements about our lives. We all choose how we see ourselves, you see, and this choice determines largely whether we will be villains or heroes in our lives. In other words, we are the director of the film (or theatre) of our lives. Whatever role we have allowed ourselves - (as the star of the show) to become typecast as - determines the type of story we are living.

When we enter this world as infants, we are blank slates upon which the outside world will inevitably make an impression. Our parents, family, and caregivers all etch their marks the deepest. Until our brainwaves shift to beta waves around age 6, we are absorbing the attitudes and beliefs we see around us. For those of us with kind, loving parents who saw their child as an amazing and wonderful gift from the universe, our earliest perception of ourselves is formed with the idea that we are an amazing and wonderful person. For those of us with critical parents who yelled at us often and told us we were "bad" children, our earliest perception of ourselves is formed with the idea that we are a flawed and bad person. This core perception of ourselves is important because we cannot tell the difference between "reality" and what we tell ourselves. Therefore whatever we perceive ourselves to be is the reality.

As children, our self worth originates from our parents. As adults, our self-worth must originate from ourselves. If our parents either made us dependent upon them, or denied us validation and self-worth, we may grow into adults who become dependent upon others for validation and self-worth. Some of us even tell ourselves that we need to be honest with ourselves. Under the guise of self-reflection and awareness, we mistake the judgements of others to be a true reflection of ourselves, and feel that we must open ourselves up to their criticism in order to make ourselves the best possible people. I know - because I myself have used this clever lie all too often.This idea however, is flawed.

Other people do not see us - they see themselves mirrored back. While it is tempting to believe that the feelings and attitudes of others towards ourselves are valid and determine our worth, the truth is, we are all each responsible only for and to ourselves. This is not to say that compassion and respect are not important, because they are, but that it is about being compassionate and kind to ourselves. If, when we perceive the outside world, we see ourselves reflected back, then any time we are judgmental,cruel, intolerant, unkind, (or any other negative emotion) towards another living thing - we are mirroring a behaviour that we learned from the outside world towards a being who reminds us of our own self in some way. These outward behaviours are actually directed inward. Thus, while it may appear that another is judging us correctly (and sometimes they do in fact see the truth), we must remember that the person they are judging is actually themselves, and that this judgement is based upon the experiences of their lives. The truth that they see has been coloured and shaped in their image - and is not an accurate reflection of our self.

This misrepresentation of motives and actions will always lead to hurt feelings at some point in our lives. Even the Dalai Lama have those who find his actions to be selfish and arrogant. Literally, there seems to be no way to avoid this. When it happens, although frustrating and possibly painful, we must remember that we are NOT responsible for other people's perceptions of ourselves. We are only responsible for OUR perception of ourselves.

There once were two boys. One grew up into an artist who loved to paint. When critics chose to demean his paintings, he took their words as truth and accepted each negative belief as his own. So complete was his acceptance of their derision, that he became capable of incomprehensible acts of cruelty and slaughter - and created the modern era from genocide. The other boy grew up into a husband and father. When he had a mental breakdown and killed his family, he refused to see himself as a killer, and instead asked Apollo for help in cleansing this evil from him. Because he refused to believe himself as a villain, he sought help for his problems and embarked on the journey of the hero. The first of these men is non other than Adolf Hitler, the second, Hercules.

Although I would say that Hitler is a villain and Hercules a hero, it is also important to remember that there are others who would disagree. What mattered in each of their lives was their own perception of themselves. Let's return for a moment to the example of the Dalai Lama. While there are many who perceive this man as a vessel of god, a holy man of compassion, a saint, and other heroic ideas - this is not universally so. There are those who perceive this man as a political dissident, a separatist, terrorist, and religious oligarch. Which is true? According to him, neither. He is just a man, trying to be as compassionate and kind as he can.

As individuals, we each choose the path we take in our lives based upon our self worth. If we believe ourselves to be villains, if we are consumed by guilt, we will allow ourselves to commit greater acts of deprivation because we are already bad. We will punish ourselves through self-destructive and sabotaging behaviour, pushing away those we love and destroying our own safety and security. If we believe ourselves to be heroes, if we believe that we are worthy, we will allow ourselves to accomplish greater goals because we have proven ourselves to be capable. We will reward ourselves by being open to receiving the love and abundance of the universe.

I had to remind myself of this recently when one of those inevitable experiences occurred. And I felt it important to share this experience with others. When people look and us and see themselves and are unhappy with what they see, it will manifest as negativity. It is important, firstly, to remember that this negativity is not a reflection upon us. Although we may try to be the best people that we can be - we are not responsible for others' perceptions. We are however, responsible to ourselves. Only we can determine if the ways in which we act are the way in which we wish to be treated. And only we can ever truly treat ourselves that way. Ultimately, we are the directors of our lives, and we chose the roles we play and the stories we tell. When someone knocks you down, pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and remember this, and that YOU choose your path.