Three Little Birds

Photo by BrandyCorc at SXC

My morning meditation this morning happened to be about birds. I'm reading Eckhart Tolle's A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life's Purpose. In his introduction he speaks of birds, flowers, and crystals as all being the enlightened form of their kind. He also says that contemplating one of those in your meditation allows you to connect with the formless.

Intellectually, I thought about birds. I considered their attitudes, their habits, their bodies, and the manifestations of their lives. Birds never worry. They live in a world of changing weather patterns and must migrate hundreds and sometimes thousands of miles to have sustainable habitation. There are other birds, cats, humans, and other groups waiting to eat, trap, kill, or otherwise harm birds. They must build their own homes, raise their own young, get their own food, etc. At any point they may be left to do this on their own when their partner is killed. They have no support groups, no life insurance policies, no bank account, none of the things that many of us often consider necessary to our survival. They must survive hurricanes, thunder storms, droughts, and forest fires. I realized I would not say a bird's life is at all easy, and might quite possibly be harder than mine. And yet, none of the birds surrounding me showed signs of stress. They were flitting around, signing, eating, and courting. They are all beautiful in their own ways - and even the "plain" ones among them are possessed of the same grace and beauty as the most brightly coloured. Even those that might seem unattractive to a human eye still carry a certain presence. Many of them spend most of their time singing or flying. While flying, they often relax into air currents, simply letting the wind take them where they need to go.

And then, there are hummingbirds. These absolutely tiny (the ones in my yard are smaller than my thumb, and I have small hands) creatures are miracles. No one has ever told them that they violate the laws of physics, and so they create their own reality of what is possible. And as I contemplated the hummingbird sitting on the branch above my head - I experienced something that words can barely describe. I remember my only coherent thought being "It's so bright, why is everything so bright?" I was aware of my heart chakra being open. I was aware of things growing incredibly light around the hummingbird. There was only that one stray thought, and all the rest was silence as I watched this little miracle glow. Tears streamed down my face and I was filled with the infinite.

I left my meditation hearing one of my favourite feel good songs in my head:

Singin' sweet songs
Of melodies pure and true,
Sayin', "This is my message to you-ou-ou:"
Singin': "Don't worry 'bout a thing,
'Cause every little thing gonna be all right."

And for the first time, I think I heard what Marley did when he wrote that song. The birds are singing that outside my door too.

You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

(and yes, I hope you just heard Mandy Patinkin's voice).

A lot of people I know tend to use the word "alone." Specifically, other people have a tendency to perceive me as being alone. And while that is strictly true in the no romantic partner sense - that is pretty much the only way it is true. In fact, alone is a word that, as I tell my niece, is a made up idea. There is no such thing as alone - not really. I understand that a lot of people spend enormous amounts of time and energy longing for and searching for someone, often anyone. I know - I used to do that too. Right up until I tried to commit suicide of over it. My desire for someone led me to a relationship that I allowed to destroy my life. I've written other posts about this experience for me before - because it is one of two pivotal experiences that make me who I am. When I woke up from the miasma of suffering I had created for myself - it was through creation, inspiration, and following my passion. I understood then that I could no longer live my life with my happiness pinned upon any person other than myself.

My journey since then has been centered around exploring my purpose in this world and my connection to my higher self. Although others may perceive the large amounts of time I spend with no physical contact as alone, I am anything but. My cosmic view involves knowing intellectually that I am connected  genetically, chemically, and ultimately energetically to the entire cosmos (including ever parallel world of the multiverse). I know that all times may possibly exist in the room with me - that on other dimensions and energetic frequencies, other beings exist in the same space as I. My cosmic view also involves knowing experientially and profoundly that I am connected to all of creation in very awesome ways. Each moment I spend in creation, in meditation, in zen mode is another moment I spend connecting with my divine self and the sum total of creation. I have spent moments crying in bliss and awe at the amazing sensations of feeling the connection that I know to be there intellectually. I am surrounded by loving people, animals, plants, the planet, our star, dark matter... I am infinitely connected and fundamentally a part of the cosmic whole. Nothing will ever change that. How could anyone ever feel alone in this universe?

But wouldn't it be nice to have someone to you know, be with? Yes, absolutely. But more specifically, it would be nice to be with someone else who knows this too. You see, I am whole, complete and connected by myself. In my life I already enjoy close relationships with siblings and friends who share this experience. We love each other enough to allow room, time, and most importantly - for each other to follow our paths. We interact with each other as divine beings working together towards a common goal. Anyone I added to this group would necessarily be another divine being having a human experience. I seek for all of my close relationships to be with other people who are living from their divine nature. This precludes the possibility of being alone.

When I am ready and it is the right time, my higher self will guide me in finding the person I am meant to be with. And yes, the person. Just as I know my purpose, I also know my teammates. I know each of them arrives at precisely the right time (as we planned it). I wish that I could share this knowledge with everyone. I feel so much compassion for every lonely person who looks at me and sees loneliness. I wish I could give them the amazing connection I experience at the center of my life with all of creation. I wish I could give them my knowing that everything happens at the right time and in the right places. I wish I could show them that they are never ever alone - and that what they want isn't me - it's the knowing that they are attracted to. I also know that they are the only ones who can make the choice to experience the connectedness of everything. I know that they must find their own higher selves, their own passions and purposes. So I send them love and well wishes that one day they will be ready to make that choice.

The Forest for the Trees

It seems like for time immemorial I've been someone who struggled with self harm. One of the most insidious expressions of this self sabotage was picking. Unlike my other forms of self harm, picking is very easy to rationalize. After all, thousands of advertising dollars have been spent persuading me that I must have flawless skin. And so in fear of being imperfect I sought out and created my own garish flaws far worse than the ones my probing fingers found in their subconscious exploration of my skin for changes in texture. I would obsessively stroke patches with hairs that were too long, pores more clogged than those around them, freckles, moles, and an endless list of flaws. My neurosis about my skin was so great that I generated an allergic reaction to myself. I would scratch and pick when I was bored, stressed, tired, and even just not paying attention. Every trip into the bathroom I would stand pressed into the bathroom mirror, moving closer until the surface would fog and I would crane my head and probe for flaws. This too was subconscious. Of course I knew I was doing it - it's not as if I have not stood in the mirror, obsessively squeezing fluids from pimples while begging myself to stop. I knew it happened, but I still did not understand how to stop it.

I knew that my drive to pop pimples came from a birth mother whose perception of me always included flaws. Like any child, what I most craved was my mother's love and attention. Her focus on my flaws encouraged me to seek such flaws in myself and stamp them out before she could find them. In this way I would transform myself finally into the perfect doll for her to love.  Like all such obsessive searches which are focused on lack, I only found less love and more flaws. And even after years of work to realize all this - I was still picking. I had tried everything to clear my skin, but I still had flaws. Until tonight.

I went to the bathroom and as I was exiting, I had the experience of suddenly awaking to myself - the absurdity of the gesture - of standing pressed so close to the mirror. Who would I look at that way? Who would look at me that way? Would I tolerate that sort of scrutiny towards or from someone I loved? The problem was not the flaws in my skin. The problem was focusing on the flaws in my skin. All I needed to do to stop picking was to stop examining myself at ridiculous length for silly details.

I stepped back from the mirror to where I could see all of myself in it. I reminded myself of moments spent learning to love my body and be in awe of its beauty. I thought about my vessel, my container for my spark of bright divinity and how amazing it all was. And I found myself crying (and I still am) for the profound realization of that moment.

The problem is not our flaws. The problem is looking for them. We should remember to step back and see ourselves for who we actually are, our whole person. We can remember our connectedness, our divinity, our big picture. But most simply of all - we need to love ourselves.