Three Little Birds

Photo by BrandyCorc at SXC

My morning meditation this morning happened to be about birds. I'm reading Eckhart Tolle's A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life's Purpose. In his introduction he speaks of birds, flowers, and crystals as all being the enlightened form of their kind. He also says that contemplating one of those in your meditation allows you to connect with the formless.

Intellectually, I thought about birds. I considered their attitudes, their habits, their bodies, and the manifestations of their lives. Birds never worry. They live in a world of changing weather patterns and must migrate hundreds and sometimes thousands of miles to have sustainable habitation. There are other birds, cats, humans, and other groups waiting to eat, trap, kill, or otherwise harm birds. They must build their own homes, raise their own young, get their own food, etc. At any point they may be left to do this on their own when their partner is killed. They have no support groups, no life insurance policies, no bank account, none of the things that many of us often consider necessary to our survival. They must survive hurricanes, thunder storms, droughts, and forest fires. I realized I would not say a bird's life is at all easy, and might quite possibly be harder than mine. And yet, none of the birds surrounding me showed signs of stress. They were flitting around, signing, eating, and courting. They are all beautiful in their own ways - and even the "plain" ones among them are possessed of the same grace and beauty as the most brightly coloured. Even those that might seem unattractive to a human eye still carry a certain presence. Many of them spend most of their time singing or flying. While flying, they often relax into air currents, simply letting the wind take them where they need to go.

And then, there are hummingbirds. These absolutely tiny (the ones in my yard are smaller than my thumb, and I have small hands) creatures are miracles. No one has ever told them that they violate the laws of physics, and so they create their own reality of what is possible. And as I contemplated the hummingbird sitting on the branch above my head - I experienced something that words can barely describe. I remember my only coherent thought being "It's so bright, why is everything so bright?" I was aware of my heart chakra being open. I was aware of things growing incredibly light around the hummingbird. There was only that one stray thought, and all the rest was silence as I watched this little miracle glow. Tears streamed down my face and I was filled with the infinite.

I left my meditation hearing one of my favourite feel good songs in my head:

Singin' sweet songs
Of melodies pure and true,
Sayin', "This is my message to you-ou-ou:"
Singin': "Don't worry 'bout a thing,
'Cause every little thing gonna be all right."

And for the first time, I think I heard what Marley did when he wrote that song. The birds are singing that outside my door too.

You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

(and yes, I hope you just heard Mandy Patinkin's voice).

A lot of people I know tend to use the word "alone." Specifically, other people have a tendency to perceive me as being alone. And while that is strictly true in the no romantic partner sense - that is pretty much the only way it is true. In fact, alone is a word that, as I tell my niece, is a made up idea. There is no such thing as alone - not really. I understand that a lot of people spend enormous amounts of time and energy longing for and searching for someone, often anyone. I know - I used to do that too. Right up until I tried to commit suicide of over it. My desire for someone led me to a relationship that I allowed to destroy my life. I've written other posts about this experience for me before - because it is one of two pivotal experiences that make me who I am. When I woke up from the miasma of suffering I had created for myself - it was through creation, inspiration, and following my passion. I understood then that I could no longer live my life with my happiness pinned upon any person other than myself.

My journey since then has been centered around exploring my purpose in this world and my connection to my higher self. Although others may perceive the large amounts of time I spend with no physical contact as alone, I am anything but. My cosmic view involves knowing intellectually that I am connected  genetically, chemically, and ultimately energetically to the entire cosmos (including ever parallel world of the multiverse). I know that all times may possibly exist in the room with me - that on other dimensions and energetic frequencies, other beings exist in the same space as I. My cosmic view also involves knowing experientially and profoundly that I am connected to all of creation in very awesome ways. Each moment I spend in creation, in meditation, in zen mode is another moment I spend connecting with my divine self and the sum total of creation. I have spent moments crying in bliss and awe at the amazing sensations of feeling the connection that I know to be there intellectually. I am surrounded by loving people, animals, plants, the planet, our star, dark matter... I am infinitely connected and fundamentally a part of the cosmic whole. Nothing will ever change that. How could anyone ever feel alone in this universe?

But wouldn't it be nice to have someone to you know, be with? Yes, absolutely. But more specifically, it would be nice to be with someone else who knows this too. You see, I am whole, complete and connected by myself. In my life I already enjoy close relationships with siblings and friends who share this experience. We love each other enough to allow room, time, and most importantly - for each other to follow our paths. We interact with each other as divine beings working together towards a common goal. Anyone I added to this group would necessarily be another divine being having a human experience. I seek for all of my close relationships to be with other people who are living from their divine nature. This precludes the possibility of being alone.

When I am ready and it is the right time, my higher self will guide me in finding the person I am meant to be with. And yes, the person. Just as I know my purpose, I also know my teammates. I know each of them arrives at precisely the right time (as we planned it). I wish that I could share this knowledge with everyone. I feel so much compassion for every lonely person who looks at me and sees loneliness. I wish I could give them the amazing connection I experience at the center of my life with all of creation. I wish I could give them my knowing that everything happens at the right time and in the right places. I wish I could show them that they are never ever alone - and that what they want isn't me - it's the knowing that they are attracted to. I also know that they are the only ones who can make the choice to experience the connectedness of everything. I know that they must find their own higher selves, their own passions and purposes. So I send them love and well wishes that one day they will be ready to make that choice.

The Forest for the Trees

It seems like for time immemorial I've been someone who struggled with self harm. One of the most insidious expressions of this self sabotage was picking. Unlike my other forms of self harm, picking is very easy to rationalize. After all, thousands of advertising dollars have been spent persuading me that I must have flawless skin. And so in fear of being imperfect I sought out and created my own garish flaws far worse than the ones my probing fingers found in their subconscious exploration of my skin for changes in texture. I would obsessively stroke patches with hairs that were too long, pores more clogged than those around them, freckles, moles, and an endless list of flaws. My neurosis about my skin was so great that I generated an allergic reaction to myself. I would scratch and pick when I was bored, stressed, tired, and even just not paying attention. Every trip into the bathroom I would stand pressed into the bathroom mirror, moving closer until the surface would fog and I would crane my head and probe for flaws. This too was subconscious. Of course I knew I was doing it - it's not as if I have not stood in the mirror, obsessively squeezing fluids from pimples while begging myself to stop. I knew it happened, but I still did not understand how to stop it.

I knew that my drive to pop pimples came from a birth mother whose perception of me always included flaws. Like any child, what I most craved was my mother's love and attention. Her focus on my flaws encouraged me to seek such flaws in myself and stamp them out before she could find them. In this way I would transform myself finally into the perfect doll for her to love.  Like all such obsessive searches which are focused on lack, I only found less love and more flaws. And even after years of work to realize all this - I was still picking. I had tried everything to clear my skin, but I still had flaws. Until tonight.

I went to the bathroom and as I was exiting, I had the experience of suddenly awaking to myself - the absurdity of the gesture - of standing pressed so close to the mirror. Who would I look at that way? Who would look at me that way? Would I tolerate that sort of scrutiny towards or from someone I loved? The problem was not the flaws in my skin. The problem was focusing on the flaws in my skin. All I needed to do to stop picking was to stop examining myself at ridiculous length for silly details.

I stepped back from the mirror to where I could see all of myself in it. I reminded myself of moments spent learning to love my body and be in awe of its beauty. I thought about my vessel, my container for my spark of bright divinity and how amazing it all was. And I found myself crying (and I still am) for the profound realization of that moment.

The problem is not our flaws. The problem is looking for them. We should remember to step back and see ourselves for who we actually are, our whole person. We can remember our connectedness, our divinity, our big picture. But most simply of all - we need to love ourselves.

Accepting the Gift

image courtesy
wikimedia commons

       For a few years now I've been learning to work with runes as another method of divination; primarily as self-work. One of the runes that has repeatedly appeared in such readings has been Gebo (it looks like an x). In the sources I've been using, the one word translation of that rune is the gift. For the years that I have been learning and keeping records, all of my readings have seemed to revolve around the superficial aspect of that meaning and ignored the deeper implications of it's other meanings. Gebo is also a rune of exchanges, personal relationships, partnerships, balance, barter, bargains and karmic returns. Put another way, Gebo is all about the cord that ties you to another. But what does that mean?
       We carry around with us burdens - psychic and emotional baggage that weighs us down and can eventually cripple us. Often these memories are tied to another and the harm that they have done us. The neurotic among us will also carry the guilt of the wrongs we did. Neither of these allows us to grow past a pain. It leaves us trapped to the recording of a yesterday that can never be revisited,  or so we believe. But what if we could change those memories? What if what we remembered about people (ourselves included) was about the gifts they gave us? But how would we do that?
       Years ago I was involved in a relationship with someone I loved very deeply. He was my best friend and I loved him. Our relationship came to a very painful and screeching halt one weekend when a drinking game revealed a dark secret that felt like the ultimate betrayal. Piled on top of all my other traumas in my young life, this particular one was too much, and so I tried to kill myself. Obviously,  it didn't work.
       My emotional devastation was so complete that it literally destroyed the person I had been up until this point. Freed of my past, I found a whole new identity and life - all leading up to the person I am today. After almost two and a half decades of dysfunctionality, I embarked upon a journey to follow my life path and be living the dream I am today.
       Happy ending, right? Well, almost. After college, I moved back home. And as it happens, so did he. His life isn't so great. In fact, I've been struggling with that fact all day. Maybe a lot of other girls would be wishing revenge. No, not me. I've been feeling guilty because I have a life that is wildly successful beyond all expectations.  It isn't perfect, but but I love it, and it's mine.
       Why do I get the happy sequels? Because I chose it, and still choose it.  It breaks my heart to see him suffer, and the part of me that will always love him wishes I could stop that. But I already tried. I know that we made a promise to each other before this lifetime. I know I asked him to break my heart so I could fly free. And he did. I don't know what he asked me, only that the possibility of it was so terrifying that the kept running and still is. The difference between us is that I have accepted the gift.
       That is the deeper secret of gebo. All relationships are created and designed to foster the exchange of information. Sometimes that information hurts. Sometimes pain is the only way we have allowed ourselves to learn it. That doesn't mean it has to hurt us forever. All we have to do is accept the gift. If we can let go of the pain long enough to focus on the positives that came from it, if we can remember the giver as someone we love who promised to help us, if we focus on the now as a direct result of that moment, we can be free to grow. That's why they call it the present; it's a gift. Do you accept it?

Hitler or Hercules?

Recently I had a conversation with one of my students about the power of our own perceptions and value judgements about our lives. We all choose how we see ourselves, you see, and this choice determines largely whether we will be villains or heroes in our lives. In other words, we are the director of the film (or theatre) of our lives. Whatever role we have allowed ourselves - (as the star of the show) to become typecast as - determines the type of story we are living.

When we enter this world as infants, we are blank slates upon which the outside world will inevitably make an impression. Our parents, family, and caregivers all etch their marks the deepest. Until our brainwaves shift to beta waves around age 6, we are absorbing the attitudes and beliefs we see around us. For those of us with kind, loving parents who saw their child as an amazing and wonderful gift from the universe, our earliest perception of ourselves is formed with the idea that we are an amazing and wonderful person. For those of us with critical parents who yelled at us often and told us we were "bad" children, our earliest perception of ourselves is formed with the idea that we are a flawed and bad person. This core perception of ourselves is important because we cannot tell the difference between "reality" and what we tell ourselves. Therefore whatever we perceive ourselves to be is the reality.

As children, our self worth originates from our parents. As adults, our self-worth must originate from ourselves. If our parents either made us dependent upon them, or denied us validation and self-worth, we may grow into adults who become dependent upon others for validation and self-worth. Some of us even tell ourselves that we need to be honest with ourselves. Under the guise of self-reflection and awareness, we mistake the judgements of others to be a true reflection of ourselves, and feel that we must open ourselves up to their criticism in order to make ourselves the best possible people. I know - because I myself have used this clever lie all too often.This idea however, is flawed.

Other people do not see us - they see themselves mirrored back. While it is tempting to believe that the feelings and attitudes of others towards ourselves are valid and determine our worth, the truth is, we are all each responsible only for and to ourselves. This is not to say that compassion and respect are not important, because they are, but that it is about being compassionate and kind to ourselves. If, when we perceive the outside world, we see ourselves reflected back, then any time we are judgmental,cruel, intolerant, unkind, (or any other negative emotion) towards another living thing - we are mirroring a behaviour that we learned from the outside world towards a being who reminds us of our own self in some way. These outward behaviours are actually directed inward. Thus, while it may appear that another is judging us correctly (and sometimes they do in fact see the truth), we must remember that the person they are judging is actually themselves, and that this judgement is based upon the experiences of their lives. The truth that they see has been coloured and shaped in their image - and is not an accurate reflection of our self.

This misrepresentation of motives and actions will always lead to hurt feelings at some point in our lives. Even the Dalai Lama have those who find his actions to be selfish and arrogant. Literally, there seems to be no way to avoid this. When it happens, although frustrating and possibly painful, we must remember that we are NOT responsible for other people's perceptions of ourselves. We are only responsible for OUR perception of ourselves.

There once were two boys. One grew up into an artist who loved to paint. When critics chose to demean his paintings, he took their words as truth and accepted each negative belief as his own. So complete was his acceptance of their derision, that he became capable of incomprehensible acts of cruelty and slaughter - and created the modern era from genocide. The other boy grew up into a husband and father. When he had a mental breakdown and killed his family, he refused to see himself as a killer, and instead asked Apollo for help in cleansing this evil from him. Because he refused to believe himself as a villain, he sought help for his problems and embarked on the journey of the hero. The first of these men is non other than Adolf Hitler, the second, Hercules.

Although I would say that Hitler is a villain and Hercules a hero, it is also important to remember that there are others who would disagree. What mattered in each of their lives was their own perception of themselves. Let's return for a moment to the example of the Dalai Lama. While there are many who perceive this man as a vessel of god, a holy man of compassion, a saint, and other heroic ideas - this is not universally so. There are those who perceive this man as a political dissident, a separatist, terrorist, and religious oligarch. Which is true? According to him, neither. He is just a man, trying to be as compassionate and kind as he can.

As individuals, we each choose the path we take in our lives based upon our self worth. If we believe ourselves to be villains, if we are consumed by guilt, we will allow ourselves to commit greater acts of deprivation because we are already bad. We will punish ourselves through self-destructive and sabotaging behaviour, pushing away those we love and destroying our own safety and security. If we believe ourselves to be heroes, if we believe that we are worthy, we will allow ourselves to accomplish greater goals because we have proven ourselves to be capable. We will reward ourselves by being open to receiving the love and abundance of the universe.

I had to remind myself of this recently when one of those inevitable experiences occurred. And I felt it important to share this experience with others. When people look and us and see themselves and are unhappy with what they see, it will manifest as negativity. It is important, firstly, to remember that this negativity is not a reflection upon us. Although we may try to be the best people that we can be - we are not responsible for others' perceptions. We are however, responsible to ourselves. Only we can determine if the ways in which we act are the way in which we wish to be treated. And only we can ever truly treat ourselves that way. Ultimately, we are the directors of our lives, and we chose the roles we play and the stories we tell. When someone knocks you down, pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and remember this, and that YOU choose your path.

It's All a Matter of Perspective

Today the Goddess taught me a very important lesson about choices. On my way home this evening, I passed two gentlemen walking along the side of the road. As I passed them, they turned to look at me and I them. I felt very strongly that they had been waiting for me. I was tired, hungry, and not really feeling up to picking up any travellers, so I said a quick prayer to Asphaltia to send another car and kept on going.

As soon as I said the prayer I knew I was wrong. I felt Her disappointment in me, along with the distinct impression that I was not listening. I considered this with some sadness as I continued to head towards home. I had spent the previous day (and I do mean the entire day) preparing for and participating in a very intense and moving group ritual. The strongest aspect of this was the ever-present presence of the divine in the guise of various deities. After a whole day of communing with the gods, as it were, I was quite worn out, but also very vividly aware of Asphaltia's displeasure with me. In fact, the further I drove away from the two men, the more the sensation of wrongness increased. I KNEW I was making the wrong decision, and the knowing became stronger and stronger until it became a physical sensation of pain and distress. Finally, I pulled over, put the car in park, and pulled out my cell phone to call my sister and ask her advice. Of course, she didn't answer.

I sat there on the side of the road quite paralyzed for a few minutes. All of my instincts and gut (which were freshly tuned to the will of the Universe) were vibrating with the knowledge that I needed to go back and speak with those men. Yet my "rational mind" was arguing all manner of reasons to continue home. I was a woman alone on a country road, no-one knew where I was, there was plenty of room anywhere for them to drag me off and murder me. And yet, I argued with myself, I was in a high vibratory state. I was in a good mood. I knew that I had taken this way, and not the way I had intended, because Asphaltia wanted me to meet these men. How could I believe the Universe would punish me for listening to it? Yet the irrational fear that all women are programmed with was compelling me to ignore all of this and continue home. And caught between the very rational and sane ideas of safety - and the very irrational pull of instinct and intuition - I could think of one thing to break the tie. Faith. (I had asked my sister a few hours earlier how I would exercise my faith muscles!)

Asphaltia has saved me from certain death more times than I can count. She answers even my smallest and simplest of prayers with the quickest of responses. I knew she would never allow harm to me, and this was Her idea. And, still further I reasoned, to go home was a decision made in fear. I knew I would drop to a lower energy level and be upset with myself for the rest of the day. I resolved not to choose fear. So I turned the car around and headed back to find those men. "Asphaltia help me," I said, "but I am only doing this because I believe in you and that you will never allow harm to come to me, and you told me to do this. This may be one of the craziest things I've ever done, but I'm doing it. Please protect me." And so I went to find them. And find them I did.

I pulled my car along side and asked the two men if they were ok and needed any helo. And as they turned to ask me how I was, I noticed both of them wore nice wooden crucifixes. It was as if my eyes were guided to the symbols of their faith - the Universe informing me that I was in the presence of others who serve. And such was absolutely the case. As it turns out, these two young men were walking for a cause: Walk of Dreams. We had a wonderful conversation about their charity and I offered what help I could and drove away. As I left, I heard them say to each other, "That was pretty cool." "Yeah." It was indeed cool.

Had I chosen fear, nothing would have happened, other than choosing fear. The two men would have continued along their chosen route none the wiser. I would have continued home and likely had a terrible evening where I was upset with myself for making the wrong choice. I also would not have been blessed with the opportunity to meet others such as myself, who though they serve deity in another guise, certainly serve life and love as much as I do. And I would not have learned a multitude of lessons from this. I would not have realized that the silence of my "monkey brain" (or id), which I had taken for defeat, was actually due to its clever new disguise as "rational mind." I would have missed an amazing opportunity for the Universe to reinforce the idea that perspective determines reality, and not had my faith in humanity renewed. I would not be sitting here, writing in this blog, because I would also not have had several other pertinent realizations about myself, my self image and my path. I would not have realized how much I was allowing fear and the opinions of others to dictate my path.

One little decision, seemingly unimportant has already changed my life significantly. And who knows what new decisions will be made from my new found perspective. Isn't it funny how the results are the exact opposite of what I had imagined they would be? The path which seemed to be safest - was also the wrong path - which would have led to more of the same. The path that terrified me - that seemed absolutely insane - led to a wonderful journey of insights and self discovery.

Solstice Thoughts

As the wheel of the year turns again and we find ourselves once more celebrating the Summer Solstice, I feel it only appropriate that our thoughts should turn toward the Sun and consider it's nature. The sun is the center of our solar system; it's life is our own. Its birth begat our world and those in our neighborhood. It's light makes life here possible. Consider for a moment the intrinsic necessity of the Sun and all it has given so freely.

Consider still further the request it makes of us. For all that it gives is given freely and given to all. Male, female, hermaphrodite; the Sun warms all and does not care for the gender of those its rays touch. Rich, poor, middle class... black, white, Hispanic, Asian, mixed... tall, short, skinny, fat, average... the Sun does not care. The Sun gives life to all and all alike... to sinners and saints, evildoers and compassionate beings. The Sun gives to ALL. Sol makes no distinctions, no requirements, no exceptions.

And so on this day that we celebrate he height of the Sun, I ask of you this, who are we to beg to differ? Who are we but the children of the stars, beings bound together in inextricable ways to the entirety of the Universe. Yet we small fragile things presume in our hubris that our judgement is superior to that of the Sun? I disagree.

I think the Sun has the right of things. We, deluded by our own cleverness, are ignorant at best for failing to see that our fate lies with the fate of millions of others - that we survive as a species or perish as a species. And so I charge you on this sacred day, those of you who dare to call yourselves children of the stars and followers of the ancient ways, I challenge you to actually think about your life and your heart. I challenge you to ask yourself if you live like the Sun. I challenge you to take this day to embody that which you hold sacred. Let go of your hollow words and celebrate the Sun with feelings and deeds - by taking one day to see the world as the Sun and love it - no distinctions, no exceptions, no conditions. Just give your light and your love unconditionally for one day. After all, the Sun has been doing it for longer than you can fathom.